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Life

Well last 2 weeks seemed like an entire life time for me. It almost seemed like hell. I feel life is not all that fair for you. Well to whom can you complain about it or question about it no one but you. Some times moments seem to have just frozen and some times it just flies away. I always get torn between real world and my own world. In my world everything is perfect and in order. People behave as they are expected to and things go on as it is planned. But Real world is something else people are unpredictable,things go haywire when they are least expected to.
I some times feel very lonely and feel cannot share my thoughts and feelings with any one and some times I feel confident,comfortable and in no need for any one to listen to me. Iam almost getting used to making my own decisions,handling crisis by myself,thinking out of the box,recognizing people and their intension!! . But in the process loosing my innocent self to believe what others say,what others think is good for me,losing my wild imagination and ideas, turning into serious boring adult.Iam scared at times to lose my individuality and become like one of those who just don't take risks or don't give chances . I feel like turning the time machine back and becoming papas little girl where parents make all the decisions for you and you need to just implement it.
Again iam in the storm of emotions. Its very hard to believe anyone these days even your own people can turn out to be treacherous and hideous creatures. Its amazing that how a relationship between two people can get affected by the people around them, sometimes I feel I should l not listen to what others say and make my own decisions, some times I am scared what if what ever others say is true!!
Iam caught again in the decision making System to be or not to be . Mind says something and hearts sings something. I don't remember ever making my decisions listening to my heart I have always used logical and lateral thinking techniques. But people say sometimes you should listen to your heart. But again sine its a matter of my whole life I have to be practical and think what lies ahead and what I want to do 2 years from now or 5 years from now.My mind is blank the path ahead seems to be dark and I cannot see my goal!
you may not believe ii have not slept properly since two weeks I can say hardly any sleep. iam wide awake till 2 or 3 am in morning try to catch some sleep and wake up by 7 .
I have decided to keep my mind blank and let things shape up by itself Iam not going to decide and if others want to they are most welcome!! Life just sucks sometimes these are the moments when I wish my dad was here giving me suggestions and ideas. I could always trust no matter what he would always do good to me.But now things are different! iam on my own all alone in this whole world on quest for a better life, better people ,better companion. I feel very drained out by thinking 24/7. I don't see any way out all I see is wall wall and wall. I feel like I have reached a dead end and I don't feel like tracing back the same path
I look calm and serene form outside but have a hidden volcano inside donoo when it might blow off!!
They say you feel better if you pendown your thoughts. So thought of blogging it out But again it didn't making me feel any better or worse iam still feeling the same
But I actually had a pleasant kind of dream around 6 am in the morning not sure if it pleasant for others. Donno if its an indication regarding how things might shape up Well if thats what it means so be it I don't think there can be anything better than that for me !!! But again if it only happens that way! Else I have to find a alternative solution :) Life is like that.
Iam yet to write on my Florida Trip. No mood yet to write about a jovial trip.
I think I better end this blog with nice quotes"If he(god) has got you into it, he'll get you through it"

posted by Enigma @ 12/19/2005 03:20:00 PM